A New Year

This is the first blog post I've written in about a little under a year. Today, while I was sitting drinking a caña in a cafe affectionately nicknamed "The Library Cafe," I had a thought to Facebook stalk an old acquaintance from college. We were very like-minded in our love for writing, solid art film, and great books that artfully and skillfully explore complex themes of human existence. After doing some scrolling, I noticed he started a new blog. It turns out that he went to the doctor and found out he has celiacs, or as your average housewife at Wholefoods may refer to it as, "that gluten intolerance disease." It was interesting to read about his diagnosis, but the encounter with his blog reminded me that I like to blog from time-to-time.

It's very interesting how the context of a blog can bring out all of these thoughts and feelings you didn't know you had, or at the very least, puts the sporadic, hair-brained thoughts we all experience on a daily basis into a constructive space to explore. The mere notion of writing a blog post started stirring up my emotions and thoughts in a way I haven't indulged in quite some time. I used to post on Tumblr compulsively, (primarily excavating the nostalgia part of my brain until my past blurred into my present and created this despondent feeling of constant dissatisfaction *I don't have a Tumblr anymore for this reason*) but Tumblr is a different beast in the blogosphere. I can use a normal blog like this to convey my feelings and thoughts without the temptation of reblogging a Donnie Darko gif and reliving my obsession with that movie and the comfort it brought me that I wasn't the only one who used to think too much about time travel. No, I'm in a new epoch of my time here on Earth. I'm actually doing something cool with my life in the present that deserves to be addressed and given it's due attention.

Right now, I'm currently in my second year here in Spain. It's staggeringly different than my first year, and it's slowly becoming more apparent how much I've grown. At this time last year, I was sitting in a tiny room, with a tiny bed, feeling depressed, feeling lonely, feeling rejected, feeling anxious, feeling like all of the problems of my past were crushing me into a dark hole of despair and existential anguish. Last year, I was in a constant state of anxiety and self-consciousness about my level of Spanish, my ability to meet women, I was drinking way too much, I was staying up way too late, and all of my expectations of living in another country and travelling were slowly being shattered. I was still getting over the soul crushing anxiety of what I was "doing with my life" and how to cope with being out of school and away from the place I grew up and lived my entire life. I have been painstakingly aware for much of my life that Tennessee is a great place, but it is not the place I am meant to live. It is not the environment that caters to what I think and feel. Tennessee stopped being a comfortable place for me the moment I became aware that when I get older, I can be anyone I want and live anywhere I want. Once this thought infects your mind, you are no longer bound to the borders of your upbringing. You can do anything.

Last year, I learned what it meant to be out on your own in a new place surrounded by new people, but it wasn't until I returned home for the summer that what I learned actually sank in. This past summer, as I had countless people ask me about my travels, it became very interesting to actually hear what people asked. The most common questions I received were, "Where did you travel? What was your favorite place?" These are very trite questions and do little to nothing to address my actual experience in a different country. Often, I found a trace of disingenuousness and jealousy behind these questions because the follow-up comment was always, "Man, I wish I could travel and do that." There was never really a sense of wanting to actually understand my experience, it was more of a way for the other person to self-loathe about their own lives. It also gave them a false sense of some of my travels. I opted to travel alone last year everywhere I went and it actually worked out well the first couple of times. I met some cool Germans on an excursion to Lisbon, Portugal, and spent my time getting to know them/getting drunk with them (I mean come on, they're Germans). The first thing they said as we started our day was, "let's go to the grocery store and buy some beer." We literally drank that entire trip, so much so to the detriment of my own health. I was sick as a dog by the time I got back. It was also in that trip that I learned how lonely and isolated I felt. That trip also did a great job in showing me I was unhappy in my current living situation. I proceeded to change apartments once I got back and making the decision to do that was empowering. It showed me that I didn't have to stay somewhere that was making me unhappy out of an obligation to roommates whom I barely knew and didn't really know anything about me. My second trip was during the holidays and was admittedly too long and ambitious for what I am capable of. It was supposed to be two weeks, but I only lasted a week and a few days until I was too sick to carry on. I had a great time in Amsterdam, but the feelings of loneliness and isolation were still very strong. I got to know some cool people for the short time I was there, but the apparent nature of how superficial these relationships were creeped in more and more. My final trip was the final straw. I went to Ireland, London, and Barcelona, and by the time I reached Barcelona, I had all but physically given up. Mentally, I realized how meaningless these trips were alone. How I was putting all of this money into being places, but I wasn't creating memories. Traveling is more than physically going somewhere. Traveling is about an involved experience and creating memories with someone you care about. I went to these places and could tell some stories about them, but mostly, these stories are only interesting because they happened in a different country. Now, if people were comfortable digging a little deeper, they would have learned this and not vainly seen my life as a glamour case.

But, as I said, this is not last year--this is a new year and I'm a different person. This past summer, I did the one thing I had spent most of my life thinking about and obsessing over... I fell in love. It wasn't one of those, "Oh gee whizz, let's insecurely not expect anything from each other and let past decisions and emotional issues come in-between our ability to get to know each other." No, it was, "Whoa, we both have this connection and want the same thing out of life. This is very scary, but at the same time very beautiful. Not to mention, if something is initially scary, it's because you know it has the potential to change your life in a way you don't understand yet. Let's explore this thing we feel with courage." In some of my younger and more cynical times, I believe that there was more than one person for us all out there. I mean hey, there are 7 billion people on Earth. How is it possible that only one is made for you and she lives close to you? My response to this question now is: "I don't know, how does this thing we can't see called gravity hold together the fabric of physical existence as we know it, yet we have no idea what it actually is or how it really works?" The capability to love and understand another person is not inherent in human beings. It takes a lot of self-understanding, self-growth, trust, patience, and commitment. Commitment is what our current society is really lacking. We currently live in a culture where things are changing at a rapid rate and how we interact is changing faster than we are able to comprehend (talking about The United States). People can't even commit to a favorite place to eat let alone another person in all of their complexity and richness. It takes a lot of work on your own perception and attitude to get to the point where you can truly commit yourself to someone. But when you meet a person whom you have a profound connection with and that you want to love, understand, and go through all of the ups and downs of life with, hold on to that person. Don't take that for granted. People aren't I-phones. The next one you meet isn't guaranteed to be better just because they are new. People are like classic cars. You only keep appreciating them more as time passes.

Falling in love with someone who genuinely sees me and loves me for who I am has been a blessing. I'm the type of person who is not going to fight for someone's attention or approval. True love and a truly loving relationship is not about fighting to impress someone or gain someone's attention. Nikeya sees in me the person others are quick to ignore. I've always been an introverted person and talking about myself has never been easy. Talking about everything from philosophy, to politics, to film, to books or whatever is a total breeze, but not about myself. You know you have found a genuinely lovely human being when they are more concerned about you and less about what you know. When a person doesn't see you as an opportunity, but sees you as an investment. Nikeya (my lovely girlfriend) and I saw the true and real versions of who we both are very quickly. I could no longer hide my emotions or what I was feeling. I found someone who really "saw me" and refused to look away. Right now, we are currently missing each other as we navigate the complexities of a long-distance relationship, but there is this comfort I feel because we have a plan. She will be coming out here to do the Auxiliar Program with me next year and I couldn't be happier. Being separated from the person you have chosen to love and care for with the intensity only reserved for her is very alienating and at times emotionally overwhelming, but then there are moments when you forget the distance. When you just remember why you love that person in the first place. These moments make the distance seem non-existent, even when you are an ocean apart.

Leaving Spain for three months and then returning has also had a tremendous impact on my level of Spanish. I studied Spanish in college for four semesters and did an okay job of remembering grammar/vocabulary, but it did nothing to prepare me for speaking it everyday in a normal social context. Last year, I was in a constant battle in my head to translate everything to the point of muteness. I couldn't get any words out because I spent so much time mulling over how to say everything that it came as a detriment to the Spanish I did know. Tacking on the other problems I was having at the time, learning Spanish was a chore rather than the pleasant and enjoyable experience it is now. In this second year, I remember almost everything I learned last year; plus, I am able to understand someone speaking to me in a way that allows me to respond immediately rather than taking 10 seconds to process and try to formulate a response. I will be starting free Spanish classes at the Red Cross here very soon to continue learning Spanish, and I'm about to start reading Goosebumps in Spanish thanks to my friend, Juan.

Overall, last year was one of the hardest years of my life. I learned what it meant to really be out on my own, and I did it while living in a completely new country, culture, and while learning a different language. Most people start small and gradually work their way up to experiences like these, typically with someone they know to make it more comfortable. Me, I didn't know anyone who wanted to teach English in a different country. I didn't know anyone who had the same goals and ambitions. All I knew was that this opportunity is one I couldn't pass up. Last year may have been one of the hardest years of my life, but this year is one of the happiest. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love, I live in a city that I truly feel comfortable in (You're golden, Ourense), I am learning a wonderful language, I'm learning about and living in a culture that has the same core values I hold (Love you, Galicia), and for once in my life, I'm not worried about what I'm going to do tomorrow, next week, or next year. I'm excited about all of it. I'm actually, for real this time, happy.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that you can make anything you want in your life happen as long as you take action, put yourself out there, and really do it. It's not magic and it may not be easy at first, but if you really want something, you'll keep trying until it finally clicks. If you take anything away from what you've just read, I hope you take away that commitment to something you love is the most rewarding thing a human being can do, even if it isn't what you expected at first.